I feel his cold embrace... his sly caress. Lying in my room for days on end. Cold, dark, silvery. I'm scared he'll take me back to the depths of my own twisted desire. To a place I'm too afraid to go because maybe I'll never escape. He's inside of me, where no one else has been. In my dark and secret place. I let him take me there, but then my fear returns. I want him to stop. How do you think it feels and when do you think it stops? I don't want him in control. I want him gone. I want him not to exist.
I'm falling. I can't even write. Maybe it is all just scribble. I don't really have anything original to say. Writing can't save me. How else can I escape from the demons in my head? I want to explain to everyone how exhausted I am, even in my dreams. How I wake up tired. How I'm being drowned by some kind of black wave. That I can't write. But they don't really wanna know about it anyway. What I want is for someone to understand, but they don't. That's what makes the platitudes harder to bear. All I see is the bad side of things. I kill their joy. I look at their sad, discouraged faces and I realise... I'm the problem.
I dream about all the things I wish I'd said. The opposite of what came out of my mouth. I wish I'd said "Please forgive me. Please help me. I know I have no right to behave this way?"
How can you hide from what never goes away?
Gradually, then suddenly. That's how depression hits.